If there is one band I must admit that I am wrong at first about how good they are, it is Broods. Indie, not yet famous, but a cut above many. It’s like an explosion of southern hemisphere lyricists – meaningful lyrics seem to make a comeback to as a make or break criterion.
I am glad to have so many songs to explore during this free period in between school and “work”. Kinda work. Bar exams is kinda like work-school hybrid. I think I will make it through, I just need a lifeline. Everyone quotes this quarter life crisis as if everyone is gonna live to 100. I think it’s about one-third of my life gone – is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Probably because it guarantees that safety net called bling bling. Then there is the happiness thing that we all seem to be unsure of at this age. Do I feel happy? Maybe, sometimes, but not so happy like a friend who can beam it all over the world through social networks or whatever. And I clarify it is not a hate thing there, I am in awe and admiration that people can find what keeps them happy. However, I do not really admire people who settle for less, and indoctrinate themselves that they are happy. There’s nothing inspiring about that.
I think the better qualification is to not seek happiness, but to seek satisfaction. Am I satisfied with my life? Definitely not. Is it one of those 7 sins called greed? Nope. So what is it? It is something in between, I think it is called trying to live life my way. Hey, gold and silver doesn’t make me happy. I don’t look at yellow and grey and get so happy because I love these colours. Bling shit gives you the opportunity to seek the way you want to live your life. That’s how you derive satisfaction. When am I satisfied? I am sure it is not material needs. I don’t know all the things that I want, I am still thinking through it. I am sure freedom is one thing. Financial freedom is one kind but that is kinda solved as soon as I earn my shillings worth. What I want is the spatial freedom, to roam, to explore.
I wish I knew my ambition when I was young – maybe an adventurer like Christopher Columbus. I know you can travel, but one, it requires money, secondly, it is one temporary escape. As the Naked and Famous sings, it is about finding the inbetween. I think what I want is to work elsewhere where I can take the weekends off to explore the wilderness. Maybe visit a Coldplay concert on one of those splurge worthy days. Go camping and tramping. I think this is gonna be one big of that satisfaction puzzle solved. I think the so-called happiness will then come. Sounds like some buddhist talk going on, but hey, it fits my instincts.
Maybe I may buy a guitar. I don’t know. I wanna play a guitar and jam, but I am lazy to learn. Maybe it will be different after I can strum a chord. Maybe a harmonica. It is smaller and maybe less painful on the fingers.
I think the more I explore and think about life, the more I see that I have an artistic side. I like to see things differently from the weathered rote learning. I think it is like being free in spirit. It is probably too abstract, so let’s just call it daydreaming. I think this isn’t the kind of society I want to live in. You have to do this, to be what the society wants you to be. I think, and because I can think, I will think for myself. Maybe it is too narcissistic or too selfish to keep talking about myself, but actually while I write, I am kinda thinking through as I go along and its a little bit of reflection or meditation. It is like talking to yourself to know what you want. I think the “quarter life crisis” requires alot of this self-to-self conversation. There has been to much putting off, to only follow the tried and tested route , because time has run out and the train has reached the station.
I used to dislike this girl called chingching because she was a bully. Turns out she probably was the most insecure and restricted person in school in her own whatever turmoil, and now she is just overseas and doing her own thing. How do I know she must have internal struggles with freedom like I do, because she listened to Pink. All those “I don’t give a damn” lyrics. It seems like she got herself sorted out. I admire her for that now, and I am starting to like Pink’s lyrics. Anyway she seems nicer now. Kids… The bullies in my time were not so bad, come to think of it.
There are so many quarter life crisis that is insidiously happening around my friends. Some trying to finish the education asap because he is sick of it and it is like a never ending certification country, some not sure what they want to do with their career (and trust me I know how mind spinning it is sometimes you just want to sink into a sponge foam bed and disappear from the world for 1 hour). Do I like my career choice, yes and no. Yes because it is like a directed road for now so I can don’t think about it for a while. No because it is not the most meaningful and interesting task. I would be a farmer if the opportunity comes, I seriously will consider. No one uses a shovel or much anymore. It’s quite high tech now – you can even use a helicopter to round up sheep. Come to think of it, I could start working on that ambition I gave up on, maybe get a license to at least fly. Very costly interest, maybe a remote controlled one.
Then there is the quarter life crisis of love and relationships. Some got it going, built the milestone and exchanged vows for life. Some seeking and wanting to. Some PDA on social networks like they are publishing a magazine, big smiley hugs and faces pressed together. Good. Good for you. Little boxes, on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes, on the hillside, little boxes all the same. Nuff said.
Ok, pause for this mental floss. It is getting too depressing. Some updates about reality. I am donning the graduation gown next wednesday. I haven’t actually tried it on for sizing. I can’t be bothered to. Also I feel odd and jinxing it if I wear it before the actual ceremony.
Day to day life. I have been doing some running. Quite a lot against my liking. I needed to lose weight because (1) it is the quarter life crisis, (2) I have put on a lot of weight for the past 6 months due to unknown reasons with highly probable evidence pointing to overeating (3) I moved house so I don’t have the luxury to swim and do underwater thinking/reflections anymore (4) I need to fit into my pants from not too long ago because work is coming and you can’t wear sweatpants since no one wants to sit with Regina George (5) if 25 is the peak I better go down with a peak and not start with lumps and sacks (6) I have not pushed my outer appearance to the potential it can be (7) who doesn’t love attention (8) I have alot of free time now on my hands (9) once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier to run and less breathlessness etc so you gotta keep up (10) the repetitive actions + meditating from swimming is transferable to running.
And now running go I. Peace out!